He said No

Neema prayed once more. He said no. 

Her Pastor had shared on Faith that past Sunday. She felt that was ‘her Word’. She even shut her eyes more tightly, knelt by the bed, fists clenched, (you know the kind that is ready to cast out demons, ready to fight, (mis)quoting: And from the days of John the Baptist until now the kingdom of heaven suffereth violence, and the violent take it by force? Matthew 11:12). She asked God to let her have her way. Just this once. Hadn't she been good? Hadn't she waited for too long? This guy ticked the boxes, at least the big ones. She could work on the small ones, she thought. She was known to fix things. This couldn’t be so hard. She felt she deserved a good turn. Though some semblance of peace would engulf her on some days when everything seemed right, she knew she was wrong. She lied to herself that God would come around soon enough.

Trying to arm-twist the Maker. Well, He still said, no.

She knew what she wanted and wasn’t going to change her mind, let alone her heart. This was her season of thriving and living boldly. She had just watched Shonda Rhimes' TED Talk on ‘My Year of Saying Yes to Everything’, and she wasn't about to take a no. Ah ah, no. Not this year. This year she was a gladiator. She was going to fight for this one. So she convinced her heart to be positive, she said yes and ran with it. She ran past all the red flags, in the wrong direction.

She said yes and missed all the signs. Disobedience.

This guy, was sort of a believer. He served in church, sometimes. He was polite, when it suited him. But his lifestyle secretly confused Neema. The fruits produced were totally contrary to the tree he claimed to be attached to. (John 15:1-8). The much he bore was not consistent. This worried her but she was ready to walk this walk with him.  After all, wasn’t He God’s child?

She once watched in horror as a poor waiter got scolded over the most innocent mistake during one of their pseudo-dates (they had quite a number of them). You know when he calls you and asks you what you are doing in the next 30 minutes? Makes a comment about the weather being cold and asks you to find your way to some random spot for coffee? Those ones. Zero effort. No commitment and intention. But at least this guy wasn't like Tony, she thought. Tony had lied multiple times. He had left her in a mess. He really did a number on her.

Neema struggled with the thought of leaving. She was in an awkward position. It had never started, there had been no commitment. (Millennials call it, DTR-ing. Defining the Relationship). Nada.  This wagon had been heading in the wrong direction for too long. Her prayer life was drying off, fast. She was no longer by the water. She had long drifted off. Her prayers had turned into quiet whispers of worry.

God had said no, she remembered.

She decided to leave but before she could, he did. A misunderstanding on phone led to a fight. The blame game ensued and then everything came crashing down. A complete shutdown. He went quiet. Later she would put the pieces together. God was working in her, to bring out what would please Him, and this situation, was not pleasing Him. Calls went unanswered, texts unreplied and attempts to see him were all barred. All her efforts were fruitless. She felt unwanted. She sank to her knees, her heart bowed in pain. She was a victim of ghosting. A 21^st century phenomenon where the guy/girl just disappears. No explanation. Poof! Gone. Her pain led her to repentance.

The beauty of being aware of your sin and daily recognizing the need of a Saviour.

One year later, he resurfaced. Like a submarine. A new girl and baby on board.Just like in the movies. Crushed but with a new understanding and joy, Neema was learning to walk in obedience. God had said no and that was enough. Now every lesson was a building block of faith for her, trusting that God was constantly working in the background. He remained God, unmoved.

Undoing. Pain. Healing. Obedience. Hope.